Time
by mvdiva
Summary: One-shot vignette from Kenshin's POV shortly before the Kyoto Arc. A page taken from his private writings.


**AN:** Hi again, all. This is my little one-shot, possibly of some scribblings Kenshin privately made shortly before he left for Kyoto. As always, all characters and rights belong to their respective owner(s). I no own, you no sue. Please review!   

**Time**

            Don't give up on me…give me some time. Of course, that's more than I ever gave to the victims of the Revolution, so why should I ever expect the same in return? But you're enough to make me forget all that. When I look at you, it gets a little easier to forget the past. I get more and more lost in the make-believe that the last ten years constituted my whole life.

            This doesn't make any sense, does it? I am sorry for that. Even if it doesn't, I know you would let me know. Your honesty is one of the things I love about you. Everything about you, in fact, which will make it harder for me to leave when the time comes.

            In the end, the most important thing is time. It passes so slowly when you don't think about it, and then slips past your grasp when you need it most. You are the one I need the most, Miss Kaoru. We have progressed past the honorific, but I cannot make myself give it up. I cannot give you up.

            Although many see me as a happy-go-lucky simpleton, I know you see past that. I see the looks you send me when no one else is watching. Each one grows progressively sorrowful, and it takes all my willpower not to take you in my arms and kiss that sorrow away. It is worse because it is my unworthy presence that makes you sad.

            The future of this country has been laid before my feet once again and the decision to return to Kyoto was never mine to make. Surely you can see that, even if everyone tries to believe I will stay. You do see, even if it kills you a little bit at a time. I do not know what to say or tell you that will not simply be empty. There is no guarantee that I will come back; no matter how much I want to. Promising you that would be completely meaningless…and it would only cause you more pain. I do not wish you any more pain.

            Your eyes hold a look which makes me want to forget my own damnation in the construction of this government. I would throw away my part in everything if not for the children. They deserve to grow up in a country where they will not live in constant fear. This is my legacy, and I will not fail in my purpose.

            Time passes and changes many things in its wake. I want to be here, to live a simple life free from the horror of war and death. I want to be here for you, but the obligations of my past refuse to die. As a result, all I have to offer you is a goodbye when my services are required in a city far away from the quiet of this place. My present is dependant on finally putting the past to rest. My future depends on you.

            There is so much that I wish to tell you…so many things that you need to hear. The bedraggled remains of my conscience cry out that I do not deserve the right to be happy, and I had accepted that as the only thing guaranteed in my life. I accepted that fact, and even welcomed it as the alternative to my blood-stained soul until the day you charged into my life with a wooden sword and an iron will.

            For the last time, allow me to put the past to rest. One more life on my conscience and a broken vow are a small price to pay for peace. I will finally put the past to rest. After ten years of living in peace, it is somewhat revolting to see how willingly my hand wraps around the hilt of a deadly blade. My life is forfeit if I am once again willing to kill, regardless of any good intentions.

            It is all relative-the guilty and the innocent. By all rights I should be anywhere but where I am, living with a group of people that accept me as family and protector. During the Revolution, I existed from one nightmarish day to another, simply waiting to die. And now I am here, in my own slice of Heaven. 

            I want it, this new life as a simple rurouni. I want it with a ferocity that surprises me. I want to live like this for the rest of my days, so that I may hold onto these few precious memories as comfort for all of Eternity.

            Forgive me, Miss Kaoru. I am sure that these incoherent ramblings make little sense to you. You are so innocent and pure, while this unworthy one has no right to even feel your eye upon me. I have, however, and your sweet face has been ingrained on my heart so that it may never be forgotten. I suppose the one thing I asked from you was forgiveness. 

            Your gentle touch is more than I have ever deserved. Tears of gratitude are all I can offer, but even the ability to be able to cry has been taken away from me. I have been such a coward. I cannot even provide you comfort. My words and affections can and have been used against me. I have sworn to protect you with my life. Even against myself. 

            It is a losing battle. Everything from your cooking to the way interact with strangers in the market endear you more to me. Give me time. When this is over and the past has been laid to rest, I will return. I wish…no, that is not correct. I want to tell you these things in my heart. For now, take comfort in the knowledge that I would never abandon you. Once I thought that nothing could take me away from the life of a wanderer, but your smile pulled me out of the mental fog I had existed in for ten long, lonely years. 

            When this is all over, I will return to you, that I will. 


End file.
